Use this guide before a conversation you are dreading, such as raising a problem with a colleague, family member, neighbour or landlord. Have a notebook and any facts or examples you want to refer to.
Step by step
Be clear on your aim
Write down what you want from the conversation, such as agreeing a change, being heard or clearing up a misunderstanding. Keep it realistic and focused on the future. This helps you stay on track if things get emotional.
Prepare the key points
Note two or three specific examples or facts, rather than general complaints. Plan your opening sentence so you can start calmly. Use I statements, such as I felt, rather than you always.
Consider their point of view
Think about how the other person might see the situation and what might be worrying them. Prepare a question or two to understand their side. Showing you have thought about it often lowers defensiveness.
Choose the time and place
Pick a private, quiet moment when neither of you is rushed, tired or distracted. Avoid starting important conversations by text or in front of others where possible. Let the person know you would like to talk.
Listen and stay calm
State your point briefly, then listen without interrupting. Summarise what you heard to check you understood. If emotions run high, suggest a short break and agree when to continue.
Agree next steps
Finish by agreeing what each of you will do and when you will check in. Write down what was agreed. For workplace problems, ACAS has guidance on raising issues and resolving disputes.
Ready-to-use checklist
- Aim written down
- Two or three specific examples
- Opening sentence planned
- Their view considered
- Private time and place chosen
- Listening questions ready
- Next steps agreed and noted
Practical tips
- Practise your opening sentence out loud so it comes out calmly on the day.
- Focus on the behaviour or situation, not the person's character.
- If you feel unsafe with the person, do not meet alone, and call 999 if you are ever in immediate danger.
Common problems
The other person got angry or defensive.
Stay calm, acknowledge their feelings and suggest pausing the conversation. Agree a time to continue when you have both had a chance to think.
They agreed to change but nothing happened.
Refer back to what was agreed and raise it again calmly, with a specific example. At work, consider involving your manager, HR or ACAS guidance if the problem continues.
I lost track of my point during the conversation.
Keep a short note of your aim and key points with you, and it is fine to glance at it. You can also say you would like to come back to one point later.