Use this guide when a friend, relative or colleague has lost someone and you are not sure how to help. You do not need special training; you need time, patience and a willingness to listen.
Step by step
Get in touch
Send a short message, card or call to say you are sorry and thinking of them. Use the name of the person who died, as many bereaved people value hearing it. Do not worry about finding perfect words; staying silent often hurts more.
Listen more than you talk
Let them talk about the person or the death if they want to, and accept silence if they do not. Avoid phrases such as at least or everything happens for a reason. Do not compare their loss with your own experiences.
Offer specific practical help
Instead of saying let me know if you need anything, offer something concrete, such as cooking a meal, doing the school run, walking the dog or helping with calls. Ask before taking over tasks. Small practical help often means the most in the early weeks.
Remember the later months
Support often fades after the funeral, when grief can feel heaviest. Put reminders in your calendar to get in touch in the weeks and months ahead, and around birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas. A simple message saying you are thinking of them helps.
Point to extra support
Bereavement charities such as Cruse Bereavement Support offer free help, and GPs can advise on local services. Children who are grieving may need age-appropriate support; schools and specialist charities can help. Share information gently rather than pushing it.
Know when to get urgent help
Grief is normal, but if the person talks about not wanting to live or seems unable to cope, encourage them to contact their GP or NHS 111. If they are in immediate danger, call 999. Look after your own wellbeing too.
Ready-to-use checklist
- Message or card sent
- Person's name used
- Specific help offered
- Meals or tasks arranged
- Calendar reminders set for later months
- Key dates noted
- Bereavement support information to hand
- Own wellbeing looked after
Practical tips
- Share a favourite memory of the person who died, if you knew them, as this is often treasured.
- Invite them to things even if they usually say no, and make it easy to decline.
- Everyone grieves differently, so there is no correct timetable for feeling better.
Common problems
I said the wrong thing and upset them.
Apologise simply and say you care about them. Most people understand that others struggle to find the right words.
They do not reply to my messages.
Keep sending occasional short messages that do not need a reply. Let them know you are there whenever they are ready.
They seem to be getting worse, not better, after many months.
Gently suggest speaking to their GP or a bereavement service, as some people need more support with grief. If you are worried about their safety, contact NHS 111 or call 999 in an emergency.
This guide gives general information, not personal legal, financial or medical advice. Rules and prices change, so check the current position with the official service before acting.
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